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Cars Only Your Grandma Would Drive

Ford Explorer

Ford Explorer

The Ford Explorer - the perfect chariot for grandmas who fancy themselves as a modern-day Lewis and Clark. These grandmas boldly explore the wilds of suburban strip malls and grocery store parking lots.

With its high ride height, it's ideal for peering over steering wheels with bifocals. The spacious interior easily accommodates walkers, oxygen tanks, and enough hard candies to supply a small nation. Its gentle suspension ensures that no hip is jostled during those daring expeditions to the early bird special.

(IFCAR, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons)

Yukon Denali

Yukon Denali

Behold the Yukon Denali, the SUV of choice for silver-haired socialites who believe bigger is always better. This behemoth allows Grandma to tower over mere mortals in their sensible sedans, giving her a queenly view of the bingo hall parking lot.

With enough chrome to blind unsuspecting pedestrians, it's perfect for making a grand entrance at the senior center. The plush interior coddles arthritic joints, while the powerful engine ensures she'll never be late for her 4 PM dinner reservation. Who cares about gas mileage when you're spending the kids' inheritance?

Abdullah AlBargan/2015 GMC Yukon Denali/CC BY-ND 2.0 DEED/Flickr

Lincoln Navigator

Lincoln Navigator

Enter the Lincoln Navigator, the nautical namesake that lets landlubber grandmas pretend they're captaining a luxury liner. This floating fortress is ideal for the grandma who needs to transport her entire bridge club and oversized handbags.

With more leather than a cowboy convention, it's like driving a geriatric-friendly living room. The Navigator's size ensures Nana can park across three spaces at the mall without a care in the world. Its advanced tech features provide endless entertainment as she tries to figure out how to turn down the air conditioning. The Navigator is the clear choice for the grandmother who wants to make a statement (that statement being "I can't see over the hood").

Anorak Cline/2015 Lincoln Navigator side/CC BY 2.0 DEED/Flickr

Chrysler 300

Chrysler 300

The Chrysler 300 - the car for the grandma who thinks she's starring in her own mobster movie. This wannabe Bentley lets Nana pretend she's a retired gangster's moll, cruising the mean streets of Boca Raton.

With its imposing grille and chunky styling, it's perfect for intimidating, slower-moving residents in the retirement community. This is the car to show that grandma means business.

Kevauto, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons)

Buick Enclave

Buick Enclave

Nothing says, "I'd like to speak to the manager," like the Buick Enclave. With enough cup holders to accommodate a year's supply of Werther’s Originals, it's ready for any senior moment.

This luxurious ride boasts all the thrills of a mobility scooter, along with a soft suspension that ensures that no denture is dislodged over speed bumps.

Alexander Migl, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Buick Envision

Buick Envision

The Buick Envision proves the perfect choice for the grandmother who envisions herself as a trendsetter but still can't figure out how to use her smartphone. Its ride is smoother than her favorite face cream, making it perfect for those wild trips to the pharmacy.

The Envision's modest size makes it ideal for those who find the Enclave too intimidating but still want to block two parking spaces at the mall. Its advanced safety features are a godsend for those who think turn signals are optional and lanes are mere suggestions.

Elise240SX, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Lincoln Nautilus

Lincoln Nautilus

Ahoy, mateys! It's the Lincoln Nautilus for the land-locked grandma who fancies herself a sea captain but gets seasick on a waterbed. This maritime-themed SUV lets Nana navigate the treacherous waters of retirement community politics with ease.

Its plush interior is perfect for those long voyages from the hairdresser to the grocery store. With more buttons than her favorite cardigan, the Nautilus ensures that every trip is an adventure in confusion. For the silver-haired siren who wants to sail the seven seas but can barely navigate a roundabout, this is the flagship of choice.

Kevauto, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Lincoln Aviator

Lincoln Aviator

Presenting the Lincoln Aviator for the granny who dreams of soaring through the clouds but won't even drive on the highway. This land-bound jet lets Nana pretend she's a high-flying ace while she putters to her weekly bridge game. With a cockpit more complicated than her TV remote, it ensures she'll never run out of buttons to press accidentally.

The Aviator's sleek design is perfect for impressing the other ladies at the country club, even if she can't remember where she parked it. Its powerful engine guarantees she'll always be first in line at IHOP.

IFCAR, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Buick LaCrosse

Buick LaCrosse

The Buick LaCrosse is the car of choice for those who are excited about discussing their latest colonoscopy results. This sedan is perfect for the grandma who thinks "sporty" means it has a cupholder for her prune juice.

With a ride smoother than her favorite polyester pantsuit, the LaCrosse's generous proportions make it ideal for transporting her oversized handbags. Its subtle styling guarantees she won't stand out in the pharmacy parking lot, which is just fine by her.

Rutger van der Maar/Buick LaCrosse/CC BY 2.0 DEED/Flickr

Jeep Grand Wagoneer

 Jeep Grand Wagoneer

The Jeep Grand Wagoneer is for the adventurous granny who thinks "off-roading" means driving on the grass to get closer to her parking spot. The Grand Wagoneer can tackle any terrain, from speed bumps to slightly damp leaves.

Its retro styling appeals to her sense of nostalgia, reminding her of simpler times when she could see over the steering wheel. For the explorer who considers a trip to Costco a grand adventure, this is the covered wagon of modern times

Thomas Vogt/Jeep Grand Wagoneer/CC BY 2.0 DEED/Flickr

Chrysler Town and Country

Chrysler Town and Country

The Chrysler Town and Country is the minivan for the grandma who wants to accommodate all the grandkids she sees a few times a year. The power sliding doors are a godsend for arthritic hands, even if she forgets how to use them half the time.

Its bland styling ensures she blends in seamlessly at the retirement community, just another beige blob in a sea of sensible vehicles. The Town and Country is the ultimate kid-hauler in disguise for the silver-haired chauffeur who's always on grandma duty.

MercurySable99, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Lincoln Continental

Lincoln Continental

The Lincoln Continental, for the lady who still thinks JFK is president and tail fins are the height of fashion. This luxury ride lets Nana pretend she's cruising in 1960s elegance, even if she can't remember where she's going.

With a trunk large enough to hold her entire collection of porcelain cats, it's perfect ride to ensure her beehive hairdo remains unfussed, even over speed bumps.

Elise240SX, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Cadillac Fleetwood

Cadillac Fleetwood

Behold the Cadillac Fleetwood, the preferred ride of blue-haired ladies who remember when this was the height of luxury... in 1990. This blast from the past lets Grandma relive her glory days, cruising the retirement community like it's the Vegas Strip.

With a turning radius wider than her bridge club's combined age, it's perfect for those who consider parallel parking a contact sport. The Fleetwood's pillowy suspension ensures that no hip is jostled during those daring expeditions to the hair salon. Its outdated styling is ideal for the grandma who thinks "modern" is just a passing fad.

IFCAR, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Buick LeSabre

Buick LeSabre

Introducing the Buick LeSabre, the sedan for the seasoned citizen who thinks "sporty" means it comes in a color other than beige. This geriatric cruiser is perfect for the grandma whose idea of excitement is finding a new route to the grocery store.

With a trunk spacious enough to hold her entire collection of ceramic figurines, it's ready for any impromptu flea market expedition. The LeSabre's soft suspension ensures that her teeth remain intact over any speed bump.

Elise240SX, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Cadillac DeVille

Cadillac DeVille

The Cadillac DeVille: the perfect vehicle for driving incredibly slow with style! With more chrome than a 1950s diner, it's ideal for making a grand entrance at the early bird special.

The DeVille's plush interior coddles arthritic joints, while its boat-like handling ensures she never has to worry about taking a corner too sharply. Its classic styling appeals to her sense of nostalgia, reminding her of a time when gas was cheap and parking spaces were enormous.

IFCAR, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Cadillac XT6

Cadillac XT6

Behold the Cadillac XT6, the SUV for the grandma who wants to pretend she's not driving her grandchildren's inheritance into the ground.

The XT6's high-tech features provide endless entertainment as she tries to figure out how to turn off the "annoying voices." Its imposing size ensures she can park across three spaces at the mall without a care in the world.

Zotyefan, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Toyota Crown

Toyota Crown

Introducing the Toyota Crown, formerly the Toyota Avalon, the car for the octogenarian who thinks she's royalty because she won the shuffleboard tournament at the retirement center. This Japanese luxury sedan lets Nana pretend she's being chauffeured to a state dinner, even if she's just heading to her weekly bridge game.

With a ride smoother than her favorite face cream, it ensures no blue rinse is disturbed en route. The Crown's understated elegance is perfect for the grandma who wants to feel posh without drawing too much attention.

Tokumeigakarinoaoshima, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Kia Soul

Kia Soul

The Kia Soul is the hip choice for the grandma who thinks she's "down with the kids" because she knows what Facebook is. This boxy wonder is perfect for the grandma who wants to feel young and trendy but complains about loud music.

The Soul's high seating position is ideal for peering over the steering wheel with bifocals, while its compact size ensures she can park it anywhere - or at least attempt to. Plus, it’s much easier for Grandma to get in and out of.

Ben Schumin/2012 Kia Soul [18]/CC BY-SA 2.0 DEED/Flickr

Chevrolet Impala

Chevrolet Impala

With a trunk spacious enough to hold her entire collection of cat figurines, it's ready for any impromptu antique store raid. The Impala's smooth ride ensures no blue hair is ruffled, even over the wildest speed bumps.

With a trunk spacious enough to hold her entire collection of cat figurines, it's ready for any impromptu antique store raid. The Impala's smooth ride ensures no blue hair is ruffled.

IFCAR, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Lincoln MKZ

Lincoln MKZ

Ah, the Lincoln MKZ - the car for the grandma who wants to feel fancy but can't quite bring herself to splurge on a Continental. This pseudo-luxury sedan is perfect for the silver-haired socialite who thinks she's too good for a Ford Fusion but still clips coupons for her weekly hair set.

With a grille bigger than her oversized sunglasses, it screams, "I'm important!" at the country club valet. The MKZ's soft suspension ensures her perm remains unmoved, even when she accidentally mounts the curb at the pharmacy drive-through. Its confusing array of buttons provides endless entertainment as she tries to figure out how to turn on the heated seats (in July).!

Rutger van der Maar/Lincoln MKZ/CC BY 2.0 DEED/Flickr